In Your Dreams

I’ve always thought that it’s important in life, dating included, to listen to your dreams.  Whether you believe in dream analysis or not, they can tell you so much about what your subconscious is thinking that you may not even be aware of.

So I had this dream last night about the guy I’ve been seeing.  Wasn’t sexual or anything, but it was interesting none the less.  He was teaching a computer class that a friend and I were taking.  And it seemed like we had no idea about that when we got there.  His roommate was assisting too (although his roommate wasn’t his actual roommate but another guy-who was also a cutie).  He pulled me aside before the class started and said how we hadn’t talked for a while and he wanted to see me after class.  And that we needed to make plans for that weekend.  And that he had a camping trip planned in two months that he wanted me to go on with him.

While on the surface this seems like I’m just wanting the guy to call and set up the next date, dreams are often something deeper than that.  For this, I’m assuming (I know what happens when I assume, you don’t have to remind me!) that my subconscious is telling me that I want the long term planning that occurs with relationships.  Subconsciously I want to not only know that he likes me and wants to see me again, but that someone will like me to the point that they’ll want to keep seeing me again repeatedly.  I like being secure enough in a relationship to not only make plans for that night, but also that weekend, or further down in the future.

The other part of the dream that I feel like it’s actually more interesting to note is that twice in a dream, a girl I didn’t know made snide comments about the way I looked.  This first time it was that my eye was red and puffy and what was that about.  And the second time she said something about the way my shirt looked and fit on me.

Now here is the part where this blog post takes a dramatic turn (are you ready for this?).  I found this particular part of the dream relevant and thought-provoking because we spend so much time in society criticizing each other as women.  And then dating gets involved and we get that much worse to each other!  Why can’t we just be supportive of one another, both in life and in dating?  If a guy you think is cute is kissing on another girl or flirting with another girl, more power to her for snagging such a cutie.  Maybe he has a cute friend or cute brother.  Do you really want to snag a guy who would leave the one he’s to go out with somebody else?  You know he’ll do it to you if he did it to her!

Can we seriously just get real for a second and love and support each other as woman?  If she looks great in that skirt, more power to her!  If her makeup is on point, that should be awesome!  Boobs look amazing in the top she’s wearing?  At least somebody is well-endowed.  But seriously, let’s focus more on loving one another as women instead of judging someone else for what we don’t have!Site Icon (3)

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It’s Been a Long Time Since I’ve Been Out Past 2 AM

There is a How I Met Your Mother episode, and I don’t remember the exact season or episode number (no worries, my OCD brain will probably require me to look it up at some point before I finish and post this blog post so those exact details will probably be included).  But the whole premise behind the episode is that Ted’s mom has instilled in him, and thus his group of friends, that nothing good ever happens after 2 AM.

What happens on the show is Ted is waiting on a call from his long distance girlfriend, one that he assumes will be to break up with him based on the fact it seems she wants to have a serious talk.  While waiting for this call, Robin invites him over at 2 AM to test out her new juicer.  And added bonus, him and Robin have spent the season going back and forth with crushes on each other.  So he goes over to Robin’s to test out her new juicer after 2 AM. And quite frankly, what guy wouldn’t.  The other friends all warn him he’s making a terrible mistake by going over there because, like his mom says, “nothing good happens after 2 AM”.

Ted ends up lying to Robin by saying that he got the call from his girlfriend and they broke up.  He then eventually makes out with Robin,  and as it starts heading towards something more serious, he excuses himself to the bathroom so he can break up with the long distance girlfriend before something happens.  He has an ongoing conversation with the imagined reality of his girlfriend in the bathroom. Meanwhile, the girlfriend calls, on his phone which he didn’t take with him to the bathroom (turns out he had Robin’s phone all along).  When Robin answers the phone she thinks is hers, she quickly discovers that not only is Ted’s girlfriend finally calling him, but also that they aren’t broken up.  The episode ends with Teds advice that after 2 AM, its just better to go home and go to sleep.

Meanwhile, throughout the episode, Ted spends time calling his friends, who are still out at the bar, for advice.  This is how we learn that the potential romantic feelings between Robin and Ted are mutual.  Additionally, Barney makes the argument that all the best things happen after 2 AM, because that’s when things get LEGENDARY.  He sets out on a mission for the evening to prove this to Marshall and Lily.  And he does eventually prove it to be true when Lily kicks Korean Elvis in the nards.

I had one of these situations the other night. I was out after 2 AM with a guy.  Although it was totally flipped in Barney’s favor of the 2 AM scenario.  At least at the time that it occurred.  The after effects of staying out that late proved not to be nearly as eventful.  Let me explain.

So I met the guy I’d been currently dating at a bar where he and his friend/coworker were drinking. We hung out for a while, had a few drinks, talked and laughed and whatever. Then as the bar announced last call, we both trekked back to my car to sit while his friend went on home for the evening–he abided by the nothing good happens after 2 AM rule 😉 .  The interesting thing about this was we did nothing very risqué; we just sat and talked, and dozed off a bit here and there.

Needless to say, it was nice.  It has been a long time since I’ve been up that late with a guy where we are just able to talk and hang out for a bit, just enjoying the conversation and the company.  It was almost like “the night”, which I’m not sure I’ve had with a guy since college.  You know the one, where you can stay up all night talking to the guy (or gal) discussing everything from your favorite food to your past, and maybe even your deepest darkest secrets.

Now mind you, I did say that this whole night was only originally LEGENDARY, like in the Barney Stenson version of what happens after 2 AM.  Later on after the fact, things changed dramatically.  The next day (or same day depending on how you want to look at time), his ex, who had kicked him out earlier that day (which was unknown to me at the time), sent me several crazy texts wondering where he was and if I was with him.  She also started threatening to kick my ass if he was at my place having sex with me after she kicked him to the curb that night.

So maybe Ted and his mom are right, that nothing good happens after 2 AM.  Maybe everyone really is just better off going home and going to bed.  Imagine how many one-night stands and eventual walks of shame could be avoided if that advice was better heeded.  Or the awkward ex moments like I had that could be avoided.  Just in general, the older I get, the better it seems to be at home in bed asleep at 2 AM.  Oh and P.S., for those of you who were wondering, the episode is titled Nothing Good Happens After 2 AM, and is in Season 1, Episode 8.Site Icon (3)

What’s Your Deal Breaker?

Site Icon (1)So you’ve done it. You’ve started dating. You’ve taken the leap and are now a serial dater. And you’ve met someone who’s proving to be a potential long term candidate. You start spending more time together, even start having the more serious where is this going/when are we going to get more serious conversations.  What comes next?

Well before you can even get to that point, he drops the bomb.  Not the f-bomb mind you (and in my book that wouldn’t be a deal breaker because I curse up a storm for sure!), but the bomb of something that makes you hesitate and go whoa, wait, what?

And this bomb will vary depending on the guy.  I can tell you, I’ve heard it all. This includes I still live with my ex (who turned out not to really be, but more on that another day), to I have a kid (the older I get the more common this one is) to I’m allergic to cats (ironic for me because I currently have two), to I been considering moving out of state in the next year or two.

I have even gotten a guy who confessed to me about his STD (yep amazingly a guy was upfront about that, and couldn’t tell you how thankful I was for that truthful bit of information, and this one actually turned out to be one of my deal breakers, as I don’t have one and would like to avoid putting myself at risk for one).

These all got me thinking as I’ve been dating, what would be my deal breakers? What would yours be?  What would be the thing a guy could say or do that would make you cringe and walk away before things got too serious?  And how big of a deal breaker is that for you? Is it something that’s a point of no return (maybe he’s a member of the KKK, although I like to think that’s an extreme example)?  Or is it something that you can work with (like he has horrible punctuation when he texts but its only texting right?  So maybe you can learn to live with it.  Or you think you might even be able to help him fix it with your grammatical awesomeness).

So I challenge you going forward to evaluate your deal breakers-not only decide what they are but also how important they are to you, especially if you met a guy who could otherwise be the man of your dreams.

You Can’t Count on Him (Or Not Just Yet!)

Yet another day of “dating is the pits”.  Why, you ask?  Well I was supposed to hang out with the current guy I’m dating tonight.  We made plans to go out (or stay in) after he got off work.  Now The Problem!!! (Did that sound ominous enough?)  I eventually learn that he’s actually got to head straight from work to a sports game because he stayed at work later than he planned.

No biggie-except I don’t actually learn this until he’s about to leave work.  So when it’s late enough that I couldn’t have made other plans for the night.  And late enough that I might have already potentially turned down alternative plans.  I even left my prior plans earlier than I would have otherwise to ensure I’d be home in case he came over.

Notice I use key terminology there.  I went home early IN CASE he came over.  When dating early on in the relationship, it’s important to make the decisions that work for you, and that you won’t regret making in the heat of the moment (and yes, this includes “that” heat of the moment).  If you don’t think it’s a good idea to blow off friends to hang out with the guy, DON’T (and let’s face it, this is rarely a good idea-unless your friends really suck as people).

And related to this exact point, if you don’t think it’s a good idea to sleep with the guy yet, DON’T.  If you don’t get a weird vibe from the guy and don’t want to go on the date, DON’T.  Don’t have these apprehensions?  Then do it!!!  (But be prepared to handle the consequences if things don’t go the way you thought they would.  Because sometimes, in the long run, that isn’t a bad thing.)

So then, what about my night?  Well tonight, I accepted the fact that I made the choice to leave my friend’s house early, and made the choice to blow off other potential plans to hang out with him.  Thus tonight, I suffered the consequences.  But they actually weren’t bad consequences in the end.  At least, I changed them so that they were good consequences.

You know what happened tonight instead?  I walked my friend’s dogs who I’ve been watching for the week (exercise combined with getting outside for sun and fresh air–win!).  Added bonus?  They loved the extra walk.  I ran home and got my laptop and phone charger and got a decent amount of work done (tonight’s blog post included–CHECK!).  I even grabbed some candles and bath salts, and will be running myself a nice relaxing bath.  I might also pop in one of my favorite movies as I curl up in bed.  I call that a win for the night.

Girl Brain

Every female has one.  A brain of course (although we all know that women share other parts in common as well).  So a lot of other creatures have brains too. But I want to talk about a thing I have deemed girl brain.  Curious what that is? Well then keep reading, because you’re about to find out.

So you’ve gone on the first date.  And to top it off, it went well. You liked him, and it seemed like he was into you too.  You got along pretty well. You found some common interests that you share.  And you didn’t detect any major issues with the guy.  Overall, you are pretty sure there will be a second date. The problem? You still aren’t completely sure what he’s thinking.  And that’s when the girl brain kicks in.

Girl brain is the voice in your head that tells you he isn’t that into you if he doesn’t call or text you the day after the date.  It’s the part of you that judges every piece of clothing you try on, or the way every piece of hair falls, when you’re getting ready for a date.  It’s the second guessing that you go through once plans for next dates have been secured of what his intentions for going on another date really are.  Or Girl Brain might build up frustration with the vagueness of future date plans (IE hey we should do something on Thursday, and then you hear nothing before Thursday).  It’s the part of your brain that convinces you that you shouldn’t have said or done something while you are still on the date, or maybe after you get home from the date.

And it only gets worse.  Girl brain makes you question who else he must be talking to when he isn’t texting you.  Girl brain is the thing that makes you second guess the guy you’ve been in a relationship with and constantly question his actions.  I won’t say that sometimes those suspicions aren’t correct, but Girl Brain pops up and messes with your mind, regardless of what is really going on.

Girl brain hits me every single time at some point after I go out on a date.  And mind you, I grew up tomboy and was constantly around guys, so I’m fairly confident in thinking that I know what they are thinking.  Even if the guy texted me to tell me he had a great time, and no matter how quickly he texts me to say that, Girl Brain will try to convince me that if he doesn’t immediately suggest making plans for a second date, there must be something wrong.

When my Girl Brain kicks in, I start to second guess everything I said–should I not have mentioned that?  Then I second guess everything I did or wore–maybe that top didn’t look as good on as I originally thought it did.  I even start to question whatever it was that I ordered, or how much of it you ate–did he think I was a pig?  This all leads me to eventually wonder if the date really went as well as I thought it did.

It’s actually ironic as I write this today because I have potential lunch plans with a guy I’ve been seeing.  He called earlier to say he’d swing by to pick me so I could keep him company while he ran some errands.  However, I wasn’t home when he called so we weren’t able to connect.  He said that was fine and he’d call later so we could grab lunch or something.  Here I sit, trying to get this blog finished and posted, and Girl Brain starts to kick in because it’s 12:30 and he hasn’t called to figure out the lunch plans yet.  Never mind that we are both off today and he probably figures we’ll have plenty of time for lunch and whatever after, regardless of when he calls.  And I have absolutely no reason to believe he won’t call any minute now.  But Girl Brain rears it’s ugly head anyways.

According to several of my friends, Girl Brain kicks in for them too.  And mind you, not all of them are newly dating.  They said that Girl Brain kicks in when they get passed over for a promotion or a new opportunity at work.  Or that Girl Brain pipes up when their kids are being terrible to remind them that it’s all because they are a terrible mother who could be doing lots of things better.  It’s that subconscious voice in all woman that tells us we aren’t good enough–in whatever way, shape, or form.  But I’m here to tell you, you have to get out of your head. Let the voice talk, because we all know it will, but you can refuse to listen.

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First Date Jitters

So you’ve done it.  You’ve met the guy, have probably pre-screened and talked to the guy (even without doing online dating, now-a-days with texting being more prevalent I can only imagine that everyone talks more ahead of the first date then previously….), and now you’ve gotten asked on a first date.  So what’s next???

Well first off, there will be jitters.  And I can only imagine that everyone experiences them differently.  Mine happen when I get asked out, and then they wear off, only to come back again about one hour before the date starts.  Which happens to be magic hour (I.E. getting ready time-am I right?).  So there I am, trying to decide on the perfect first date outfit, get my hair and makeup perfect, when suddenly the butterflies hit.  And usually with no warning.  In the middle of curling my hair or doing my makeup or changing my shirt, and suddenly I’m nervous.  And shaky.  And jittery.

The worst part of the situation?  There is no cure.  Now people will tell you to meditate or do relaxation technique or put a certain scent in your oil diffuser (okay maybe you don’t have any of those friends, but I have all of those friends…).  But for me, there is no cure.  I’m just going to be nervous.  The better part of the time that I’m getting ready, whenever it is that those darn jitters hit while I’m getting ready, and the whole drive to the first date location (because let’s face it, with online dating today, you meet in public at least once or twice first before you let the guy pick you up at your house–you never know what kind of crazy girlfriend he could be hiding–but that’s a blog post for another day), I’ve got the jitters.  And it’ll be a bit before they fade away. They actually usually even last a bit into the first date actually getting underway.

But you know what I’ve realized about these “horrible” first date jitters?  That they can be actually quite exhilarating as well.  That nervous energy is exactly what forces me to drive to the restaurant, or wherever I’m meeting the guy at, it’s what makes me walk in to meet him, it’s what keeps me from chickening out and driving home while sending him some excuse why I won’t be showing up.

And you know what?  Depending on the guy, and how the date is going, they fade.  That nervous energy, those crazy jitters, whatever you need to call it.  Eventually you feel comfortable and they just go away.  The guy makes a joke that makes you laugh, and you forget you were nervous.  You start to focus on the date, and the guy, or maybe even just how good it feels to be out on a date with a guy, or even just out doing something with someone new.  As much as I’m a total introvert, I actually enjoy getting to meet new people, especially one on one.

Then of course the nervousness comes back when he touches your arm or brushes your leg, or even when that awkwardness of the when and how is the first kiss going to happen occurs.   And so the jitters all come rushing  right back into play.  It’s new.  It’s exciting.  And let’s face it, it’s actually kind of fun 🙂 .

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The Dating Journey Begins….

It happened.  The most recent long-term relationship has officially come to an end.  Possessions have all been divided, account passwords changed, living situations split, and both parties have gone their separate ways (seriously, he moved to another state).  So now the next chapter of my life begins.  I am now available to start dating.

The weird thing is, after being in a relationship for so long, I don’t even know where to begin in terms of dating again.  Not that I’ve ever had any idea of how to start dating.  Guys and relationships have always just presented themselves in the past, whether in college classes, or meeting through mutual friends, or at a party or social event.  Course this was back as cell phones had gained popularity but before texting was a massive thing everyone did.  We actually still used cell phones for calling people; that’s how long it’s been since I’ve dated.  How does one meet guys (or girls if that’s what you’re into) in this day and age?  Do you do online dating?  And if so, which site?  (Seriously type in online dating, there are a ton).

As I started this journey, I initially used the time post-relationship to reconnect with friends; as well as to rely on them to get me out of the house and actively involved in having a social life again.  You know how that goes when you have a partner–they create your social life for you, or at the very least you spend all your free time with each other.  Thus, I had to learn how to have a social life as a single person, where my daily social activities were totally dependent on me.  And seriously, I work from home, so except for the occasional trip to the grocery store, I don’t get out much.  In the meantime however, I spent time taking care of myself, and recovering from what was definitely a broken heart.  My friends are great, I love them so much, and they always have the best intentions, but I was reaching a point where spending time with the same groups of “couples with kids” wasn’t going to help me meet anyone new, much less guys specifically.  So what is a woman supposed to do?

And mind you, I’m not looking to rush back into another serious relationship.  Not that I’m not ready, or that I’m still heart-broken (although I might be, a little bit).  I know that getting back into a relationship doesn’t heal the previous pain and hurt–thus why I’m not rushing back into anything.  But I started thinking, maybe I’ve reached the point where it wouldn’t be the worst thing to start dating again.  Just to get back out there and practice how to date.  Not that practice helps, and not that dating is something I’ve ever been good at (seriously is anyone?  If you know someone who could teach me, send them my way 😉 because seriously, I could probably use the guidance).

In my hesitation to take action and actually do anything, a couple of my friends realized my building frustration and took the leap for me–they signed me up for an online dating site.  They picked randomly off one of the lists, created a profile, and started interacting to guys.  It all happened just that fast.  Before I knew it, they were giving out my phone number to guys who passed the initial tests (and a few sketchy ones who should not have!), we were texting back and forth, and suddenly some of them want to meet up in person.  And thanks to today’s society, a handful of them want to send me private pictures-if you know what I mean (seriously?).  Suddenly I am incredibly overwhelmed and sooooooooo not ready for this!!!

To say the least, what was I thinking?  And more importantly, what were my friends thinking? But I am trying to be excited for what possibilities this new change will bring into my life.  And let’s face it, at the same time, I am totally scared sh*tless!  But it’ll be good right???  Worst that could happen is I’ll just be a Dating Hot Mess 🙂 !

“The best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out of your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.”   — Quote Credit: JUNOSite Icon (3)